I’m not sorry

I’m not sorry for who I am. I’ve traveled a long, winding road to get to today, to get to yesterday, to get to tomorrow. I’ve overcome many, many obstacles. I’ve survived.

I’ve used bad judgment. I accept that. I recognize the error of my ways and I’ve made adjustments. I’ve grown. Are there things I wish I could have done differently? ABSOLUTELY. Are there moments I wish I could get back, change, relive, redo? YES. But that is not reality. Reality is moving on, moving forward, and not making the same mistakes, lapses in judgment, or bad decisions.

I cannot be sorry for who I am. I’m not a victim. I’m a product of my experiences. Do I still make mistakes? Yes. But I hope I make them less often. I hope that I’ve learned and grown and can rely on past experiences to make better decisions in life.

I’ve knocked on death’s door. I know how it feels to lay on a cold table and hear the doctors say “we may lose her”. I know the fear of thinking, “NO I cannot die, my little girl is in the hallway”. That’s my reality. Emergency surgery with my child outside not understanding what is going on. It’s surreal. It’s a turning point.

I can’t be who others want me to be because I can only focus on being the best me that I can. I can only focus on being a loving parent. A good friend. A good family member. A kind person who gives back to society. And I can’t be sorry. I have to be a warrior, because I am a survivor.

So to those who expect and want more from me….I’m giving as much as I can, and I promise you that even then I try to give more. If my very utmost best is not good enough, I can’t change how you feel. I can only do what I am able to do.

I know it sounds rude and ungrateful to say I’m not sorry. But it’s how I feel. I can’t live my life being sorry that I don’t meet someone else’s expectations. No one should. I have one life and I deserve to be happy. If I spend the days I have chasing someone else’s expectations then what will be left for me? So, no I’m not sorry. I’m me.

God bless, and be blessed.

 

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